Food food everywhere but not a bite to eat…

I weighed in this morning but had only lost .4 of a pound since yesterday so hadn’t slid below that stone mark. I’m now at the train station – ready to go to Birmingham and overnighting there before my op tomorrow. This is the level my OCD has reached now; oh my god I forgot to bring my gloves and even though I have hand gel if I don’t have gloves I’m going to touch a surface and forget and get ill….so I just bought some sale gloves; 

They’re not hideous – they were in the sale – they don’t fit me properly and I feel like a Bond villain but if it helps calm the OCD then it’s worth it. 

So today is my liquid diet day 8 (my mistake) and so far it’s not been too bad – I’ve not been hungry and have kept to it 100%. However, it was definitely made easier by the fact that I was able to work from home. I didn’t have any tempting foods in the house and didn’t have to watch anyone else eat normal food. Well today, as is my habit, I’m accidentally at the train station an hour early and sat in front of this;

All the bagels!!!! I don’t even normally eat bagels but the smell of real food has woken up the beast in my belly. Being here an hour early is also not that useful if you aren’t buying any food for the journey – which I’m not – I’ve packed my yoghurts and milkshake… yay (sarcasm). Oh my god, tomorrow is the big day – why am I not nervous?

Day 3: death breath – glad I’m working from home

So liquid diet day 3 and the headline is; my breath stinks. Ha ha. Apparently this is normal and something to do with ketosis / your liver breaking down all the carbs in your system. Not pleasant. Still not really hungry since all there is on offer is yoghurt or slim fast…roll on Sunday please!

One week to go…

Liquid diet day 2: food is everywhere, you literally cannot watch anything on tv without being bombarded by it! Can’t say I’m physically hungry but I have that ‘head hunger’ – I’ve stayed in as I’m scared of getting ill (mega paranoia) but I’m feeling a bit lost – 1 week to go until op so obviously brain is running 100 miles an hour. Am trying to focus on doing what I can to prepare – have done an asda order for more milk and yoghurts etc, need to pack a bag and do a bit of cleaning/tidying…try and keep busy I suppose – in this kind of nervous situation I’d normally be eating everything in the house!!

Liquid diet day 1

So I’m in my pre-operative 7 day diet and today is day 1. I kind of tried to give myself a head start this week by doing slim fast and a small meal a day (plus ice lollies) but today is the real thing…ive felt really like I could hurl every morning this week about an hour after I get up (when I’d usually eat) but I’ve been waiting until I feel hungry to have my first shake. I went out and about today (to watch the Lego batman film amongst other things) but was getting a bit anxious about getting ill so came home not long after the film. It’s weird since I’d thought I’d already been in the mind set but it’s a different kettle of fish when you know you CAN’T have anything else – 2 slim fast and 3 yoghurts so obviously cravings and brain hunger are difficult. It probably doesn’t help being home alone… fingers crossed things will get better.

P.s I don’t even like milkshakes at the best of times so am closing my nose and sipping!!!

Crazy broken brain part 2

So I may be about to have a panic attack. This is not something completely foreign to me but it’s been a while – I’m trying to focus on writing this so I don’t focus on my spiralling thoughts/panic. So after being away for 5 days and sharing a room (I always sleep better when sharing a room) – this time with my ma which just makes you feel safe. Anyway, I went to bed early tonight, listening to podcasts since I have the equivalent of the ‘Sunday night dread’ before being back in the office tomorrow. So the minute I turn off the light and turn over to try and sleep my brain tells me I have tooth ache – I have really extreme fear of dentists / there being something wrong with my teeth so whenever my anxiety or OCD is playing up it often expresses as a feeling there is something wrong with my teeth – I know that there isn’t real pain there but it’s amazing what your brain can convince you of. After all – the brain is definitely in charge and when yours is broken it’s bloody hellish. So anyway, I’m lying here trying to work through why I feel this way…possible reasons;

1. Since being away I have been drinking cola again and today I’ve had 2 bottles – it could be the caffeine.

2. I start my liquid diet tomorrow (a few days earlier than I technically have to) so I had a Chinese tonight -the definite strongest of my food weaknesses – I do know it’s ridiculous to binge on Chinese food the day before starting a liquid diet. I then measured my slim fast portions for tomorrow and I’m not sure how I’ll cope because it’s bugger all.

3. The idea of starting my liquid diet means it’s all real. 11 days to op

4. I’ve gotten really paranoid about getting a cold and having to postpone the op – not helped by staying in an ice hotel and being on a plane surrounded by sock people.

5. My sister decided to bang on about how ‘horrific’ my pain will be after the op – from wind. She had an op a while ago. I pointed out I don’t need to be hearing about ‘horrific pain’ when I’ll be in surgery in 11 days. Her response; I want you to be prepared – I am prepared, I’ve read everything ever written about this op now but you can’t prepare for pain and that kind of comment is just designed to scare you. Unhelpful. 

So that’s what the brain is spinning about. Wish I could just take it out and leave it in the drawer until the morning – then brain and body might be able to recharge.