So I may be about to have a panic attack. This is not something completely foreign to me but it’s been a while – I’m trying to focus on writing this so I don’t focus on my spiralling thoughts/panic. So after being away for 5 days and sharing a room (I always sleep better when sharing a room) – this time with my ma which just makes you feel safe. Anyway, I went to bed early tonight, listening to podcasts since I have the equivalent of the ‘Sunday night dread’ before being back in the office tomorrow. So the minute I turn off the light and turn over to try and sleep my brain tells me I have tooth ache – I have really extreme fear of dentists / there being something wrong with my teeth so whenever my anxiety or OCD is playing up it often expresses as a feeling there is something wrong with my teeth – I know that there isn’t real pain there but it’s amazing what your brain can convince you of. After all – the brain is definitely in charge and when yours is broken it’s bloody hellish. So anyway, I’m lying here trying to work through why I feel this way…possible reasons;
1. Since being away I have been drinking cola again and today I’ve had 2 bottles – it could be the caffeine.
2. I start my liquid diet tomorrow (a few days earlier than I technically have to) so I had a Chinese tonight -the definite strongest of my food weaknesses – I do know it’s ridiculous to binge on Chinese food the day before starting a liquid diet. I then measured my slim fast portions for tomorrow and I’m not sure how I’ll cope because it’s bugger all.
3. The idea of starting my liquid diet means it’s all real. 11 days to op
4. I’ve gotten really paranoid about getting a cold and having to postpone the op – not helped by staying in an ice hotel and being on a plane surrounded by sock people.
5. My sister decided to bang on about how ‘horrific’ my pain will be after the op – from wind. She had an op a while ago. I pointed out I don’t need to be hearing about ‘horrific pain’ when I’ll be in surgery in 11 days. Her response; I want you to be prepared – I am prepared, I’ve read everything ever written about this op now but you can’t prepare for pain and that kind of comment is just designed to scare you. Unhelpful.
So that’s what the brain is spinning about. Wish I could just take it out and leave it in the drawer until the morning – then brain and body might be able to recharge.