my true love gave to me…bugger all – since I am perpetually single. I am definately the eternally single Bridget Jones of my friends (more in the ‘all by my self’ scenes than the ones where Darcy and Cleaver are fighting over her). Never is that more apparent than on a Friday night like tonight where I took myself to the cinema to watch Tom Hanks in ‘Sully’ – happily the cinema was practically empty – the happy couple must have been watching ‘fantastic beasts’ or something instead. But yeah, spending a cinema trip / lunch / weekend on my own is pretty standard and I’m hoping that things will change once I’ve been able to loose weight…I think it’s normal for everyone to feel the massive fear of; what if it just doesn’t work for me?? I think when you have had a weight problem for a long time (or your whole life) and you do every diet out there and regularly commit to excercise regimes you will suffer an inevitable knock to your confidence when you don’t succeed – or if like me, you succeeded for a while i.e got a bit of weight off for a while but then end up sliding back to where you started or heavier. Each time chips away a little bit more and for me, whilst surgery was always in the back of my head, it felt like it should be a last resort – that I should’ve tried EVERYTHING else first.
Well from all of the podcasts I’ve been listening to that is apparently very common – that surgery should be a last resort and I definately think there is a vibe in general from people that it is ‘giving up’ or the ‘easy way out’. It certainly doesn’t seem that way from everything I have read and learned over the course of my research; you still need to burn 3,500 calories for every poind you want to lose – no band will do that for you – it will ONLY stop you eating large amounts in one go – so it’s the same as being on any diet except apparently you might not feel hungry all the time. One of the podcasts I listened to talked about that issue and said that people see obesity as a character failing; you’re obviously fat, greedy and too lazy to do anything about it. Therefore the solution should be hard to teach you a lesson and surgery makes it too easy for you. I obviously think this is utter sh*t but even though I think that I realise I’ve totally taken it on board as that’s what’s stopped me persuing this sooner. It is definately an attitude that I have had reflected back to me in some of the comments from people I’ve chatted to (and yes, I have told quite a few people, mainly because I know it will help when I need support and understanding and will help me with my compatibality). So one coworker: well you should just excercise, I get such a buzz when I excercise. Me: yes, that’s true and as you know I excercise a lot – however, when you have 6 stone of weight to lose, weight loss inevitably becomes the focus of the excercise and when you don’t lose weight, it becomes very defeating. I also pointed out; try strapping a couple of bags of potatoes to your body and doing the same thing and see if it’s still as enjoyable.
Another (far more upsetting) example was my GP. I think every time I’ve been to the doctors since I was about 15 I’ve been told that whatever my issue is I need to lose weight e.g ingrowing toenail – lose weight, depression – lose weight, chest infection – lose weight…you get the picture. Anyway, I knew my doc was quite averse to medication of any kind so I wasn’t too confident of how the discussion would go. She had previously referred me to a life coach designed to help you lose weight (more on him later), she had recommended I read ‘the chimp paradox’ and try juicing and lean in 15 and all sorts of things…which I did. She was my doc the whole time I did weight watchers and slimming world, I had been in regularly and checked in about weight and mood etc. Anyway, the inevitable meeting; me: doc, I have decided to pursue gastric surgery. Doc: riiight. are you planning on paying for it then. Me: I will if I have to but obviously if the NHS can help….her: no, the NHS can’t fix everything for you you know. Then she weighs me: yes well you definately weight far too much but you aren’t heavy enough for the NHS to help you. Me: well I didn’t think they would really but I thought maybe you could advise me on how to look in to different private companies and check they are legit. Doc: google it like everyone else. Now obviously by this point I got pretty upset, obviously as it took a lot of courage for me to go and talk to her in the first place and she’d made me feel like a massive (fat) idiot. I started to cry (embarassing) and said to her, look, last week I felt so desperate with myself I just didn’t know what to do – I really scared myself…and she just didn’t soften an inch. Made it obvious she had no time for me. Doc: well you’ve obviously made up your mind so good luck with that.
Argh, hideous. It makes me feel sick thinking about it…Even though I really expected no help from the NHS, I didn’t expect the treatment I recieved. If I was asking for help for anything else; for addiction to alcohol or heroin or ANYTHING I can’t imagine being spoken to like that. ANYWAY….onwards and upwards. Happily, anticipating the NHS not being helpful, I’d already made an appointment at a private surgery clinic – but more on that tomorrow!