‘Twas the 1st of December…

So I could say that the 1st of December feels like a good/significant day to start a new blog – it’s a 1 month head start on when everyone else will be stepping on the scales on Jan 1st and feeling the annual post-Christmas deprivation diet. The truth is, I started this page yesterday – Nov 30th, a much less significant day, but there were builders in the office installing various bits and pieces and I felt a bit awkward about writing in a blog called ‘I’m with the gastric band’. So here’s the story; I am 30 years old, which to some may seem a bit young to be thinking about doing something as ‘drastic’ as getting a gastric band. The reality behind that, as for most people, is that I’ve been on every diet around since I was 15 and have now come to a point of desperation. I currently weight 16 stone, 8 pounds (gasp). Again, I know that there are people out there that will read that and may be heavier or around the same weight and think that it is not so drastic. For me, I feel like I’ve already spent 50% of my life with my whole brain and most of my actions dictated directly by how I feel about that number.

So this year, the year of turning 30, I had decided that I wouldn’t worry about saving money or starting a pension or sensible things, it would be the year of adventures and having fun before I started to be an ‘adult’ when I turned 31. So then, I have an Ok job – I make OK money and I am lucky enough to be able to take nice holidays and visit my friends and family but underlying that, is always this unhappiness. I have and do suffer from depression, or I should say, I fight against depression – this looks mostly like doing everything I can to try to remain positive; be around people who make you feel good, plan things to look forward to, eat healthily, exercise every day etc. My new years resolution was to expand the 20 mins a day I’d managed for the past year (at least 5 days a week) to 30 mins a day. Mostly I was quite succesful – I made it up to my birthday in July and then couldn’t seem to properly get back on it after my holiday. I’d spent the first half of the year firstly trying slimming world (lush group of women but mostly unsuccessful in terms of helping me lose weight). I found that quite disheartening; I’d be really sticking to the plan – eating all the speed food to try and get a good loss at the end of the week only to stay the same or lose or gain half a pound. If I had a week where I had a visitor for the weekend and I had 1 or 2 meals off plan, I was guaranteed to gain weight and this wouldn’t be a half pound, it would usually be more like 2 or 3lbs – which it would then take me a solid month to lose. I should mention that I have polycystic ovary syndrome – which is not an excuse by the way but I have read that it makes a lot of people gain weight and then does make it difficult to lose it. It seemed to take so much to lose a little bit of weight and then very little to gain a lot back. After slimming world I used ‘my fitness pal’. I’ve got to say that I loved this calorie tracking app since it was so much easier to follow; you could eat anything you wanted to but obviously if you wanted to eat crap / unhealthy food you could eat a lot less than if you focused on what you should be eating!

It’s also so much more scientific and non-guilt driven – i.e there are no ‘evil you can’t eat that’ foods so you don’t end up craving them. I could see that if I ate 1200 calories a day I should lose weight. However, I followed the app to the letter but struggled without the accountability of a group. hmmmm. Anyway, despite all the exercise and commitment and doing my first 5k color run this year (great fun and I’d recommend to anyone). I found myself basically back where I had always been; hating my body and hating the amount of brain energy I constantly dedicated to try to be in control of it. Having moved around a lot as a child I seemed to continue this after I left home – basically moving every 2 years and even spending time travelling around New Zealand (different blog on blogger: diary of a lost girl)…but wherever I moved and whatever I did I was still stuck inside my own head (and body). I know that in the past, when I have been lighter – lightest was about 13 stone, so still overweight but lighter, I just felt like I could be myself so much more easily. Anyway, I ended up in Manchester after travelling New Zealand and recently kind of looked around at myself and realised that despite all of the things I’d done to try and settle here (join a rounders team, a netball team, various slimming clubs, a gym) I really hadn’t settled here at all. Basically I get in my own way, I have no confidence so I go to these things and people chat to me but I find it very difficult to meet new friends. How do people meet new friends at this age?! If not through mutual friends? Argh. Anyway, I kind of ended up coming back to my usual thought when I feel desperate of maybe I need to think about doing something real (and maybe a bit drastic) to change things? I can’t face going through the usual January diet, realising around March that it’s not made a difference and facing the inevitable crush in what little confidence and self-esteem I already had….

Something needs to change!

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